Darkest Night

" There is only one way in which one can endure man's inhumanity to man, and that is, to try, in one's own life, to exemplify man's humanity to man"- George Bernard Shaw
I recently read a book which has profoundly affected me, "Night" by Elie Wiesel. He is one of the few remaining survivors of the horrific Holocaust, a terrible genocide in which Hitler's Nazi Germany killed about six million Jews. The book was a simple but stark account of the horrors which Wiesel and his family saw and went through. There were women and children thrown into furnaces, men forced to work in unspeakable conditions, who were praying every day for rescue or death. Hitler and the Germans did this, simply because they felt that the Jews were an "impure" race, and should not be allowed to breed with the "pure" Aryan race. It was simply a show of power, which cost millions of people their lives. The survivors were very often, in no better condition, with memories which would haunt them the rest of their lives.
Slavery in America, in the 17th and 18th centuries was another example of a brazen show of power over the weak. People were bought and sold like chattel, and very often treated worse than animals were. According to several accounts, they were punished by whipping, shackling, hanging, beating, burning, mutilation, branding, and imprisonment. Punishment was most often meted in response to disobedience or perceived infractions, but sometimes abuse was carried out to re-assert the dominance of the master or overseer over the slave. White people simply believed that they were more "entitled" than the blacks, with respect of freedom and equality of wealth.
The civil war in Syria has been waging for the past four years. The rebels' and the ruling regime's war to retake Aleppo has resulted in countless civilian deaths. Again, because of the greed for power, innocent civilians are caught in the backfire, unable to escape.
Sadly, there are so many other examples.. The Germans bombing the Lusitania during the First World War, the Japanese treatment of American prisoners after taking over Pearl Harbour, the Israeli treatment of the Palestinians, the cases of abuse of women and children in modern society....
It is at times like these that one doubts in humanity itself. How, one would ask, can we call ourselves humans, when we commit such acts of meaningless and vicious destruction, just because we can? We are, theoretically, more evolved than animals are, but even they would not be so merciless to a fellow animal, even if they are more powerful.
The majority of us are safe in our homes, looking on all these events in a detached sort of way. Sure, we may feel sad, and angry, but, after a few minutes, we simply move on  to other things and they slip from our mind. It is not until they affect us directly, that we actually do something to stop it. We need to bring back the humanity in people, and remind them, that our first identity is that of "humans", before any race, religion, or country. We must forever fight to keep this world free, in every sense of the word. No one should be afraid, to talk, to eat, to live a life they want.
Even talking about it, and discussing it, will keep it fresh, and those people would not have died in vain, just a fleeting, already-forgotten memory.
We should remember, and do our bit to ensure that these, the darkest nights in history, do not repeat themselves.
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that is the essence of inhumanity" - George Bernard Shaw
"As long as one child is hungry, our lives will be filled with anguish and shame. What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom depends on theirs."- Elie Wiesel

Full Circle

Its almost been a year since I came to the UK for the Masters degree. In some ways, its like time has gone by in a flash of a second, and in some ways, life has taken a 360 degree turn. Nothing has changed, and at the same time, everything has.
I came to the UK for a degree, a change in scene, international experience and exposure. I ended up that and so much more. I realised that, uptil now, my life had been in a state of stagnation, and I had become complacent in a bubble or comfort zone. While I had been happy, I wasn't growing as much as I'd hoped. Coming here was just the wake-up call I needed.
I was forced, by necessity, to grow up, to take charge of my life, and to start taking serious decisions. Even something as simple as cooking meals for myself gave me a sense of responsibility, and also gave me the confidence that in any situation, in any place, I can survive on my own. That, I think, is true independence. Living with complete strangers was another amazing adventure, I wouldn't miss for the world. Getting to know each other, adjusting to each others' eccentricities, and finally becoming a close family was a journey I'll always cherish.
Meeting people from different countries helped me learn that, while, in many ways, we are very different, we also have a lot of similarities. We have the same fears, the same hopes for the future, and that somehow, was very comforting to hear. Learning from everyone, about their cultures, their way of doing things, and their perspective of looking at things, somehow erased so many mental boundaries, and gave me a truly global outlook.
Traveling alone was both a delight and a huge learning experience. There were so many small and big adventures along the way, from a not-so-good hostel, arguing about what to see, walking miles to be economical, to finally seeing places I'd only dreamed of before (Oxford University, the Louvre, Diagon Alley, to name a few). I know that, in the years to come, I have hundreds of moments to look back on and remember and smile.
But, most of all, I got the confidence to get out of my shell, try new things I never have before, and the courage to express my opinions and stand by them. I learnt that, as long as I make myself happy and I grow in my way, others' opinions really do not matter.
Life is still really uncertain, but I think I've found the strength to really enjoy whatever it brings.
As Emma Watson once said "I'm very interested in truth, in finding ways to be messy and unsure and flawed and incredible and great and my fullest self, all wrapped in one".

From an Unapologetic Introvert

“There are such a lot of things that have no place in summer and autumn and spring. Everything that’s a little shy and a little rum. Some kinds of night animals and people that don’t fit in with others and that nobody really believes in. They keep out of the way all the year. And then when everything’s quiet and white and the nights are long and most people are asleep—then they appear.”
― Tove Jansson, Moominland Midwinter 

Since pretty much always, I've been a very private person, preferring my own company to anything else. Socialising or being part of a big group, even for a short time, always made me nervous or tired me out, and I would long for quiet and a good book. In school, I always worried that something was wrong with me, that I couldn't seem to thrive in groups like everyone else did, laugh at silly jokes and gossip. I was a socially inept person, who was hopeless at holding conversations. I had four or five close friends, and that's all I was happy with. I thought that, maybe this was a phase that I might grow out of, with time and increase in confidence.

To the contrary, this "phase" only became worse with time. In high school, when my classmates started going out to parties or sleepovers, I was sitting at home alone, and strangely happy about it. I never made any special effort, or went out of my way to talk to people, just for the sake of having friends. I was fine on my own, though, at times a little lonely. But, it was more than bearable, and I didn't feel the need to conform to anyone's expectations. But, many people, including teachers and peers kept pushing me to "get out more and talk to people", and not to "stay in my shell", and that such behaviour was "unhealthy". This just made me upset, uncomfortable, and was really bad for my self-esteem.

When I left home to go study abroad, I thought, this was it. This was my chance to really get out more, socialise, meet new people and create a whole new image. And, at first, I did make the effort, and made quite a few friends. I did try going out to parties, and really tried to enjoy loud music, big groups and dancing. But then I had this epiphany: This simply wasn't me. I was trying to enjoy something I hated, just so that I could "fit in". But, "fitting in" wasn't something that made me happier. I realised that, in order to be the best version of myself, I had to be comfortable in my own skin, doing what I liked, not what others expected. It doesn't really matter what others think, even if they're giving advice with the best intentions. After that, I consciously started doing things I honestly loved doing: long talks with a few friends, reading or just walking near the river, writing...
This did wonders for my self-confidence.

Introversion isn't a crime, its simply a part of life. It certainly isn't something to be ashamed of. Introverts make the best writers, best poets, best artists, because they feel very deeply and intensely, and they just choose to give vent to their expressions in a different way. They're the most compassionate, and the best listeners, because they don't feel the need to talk about their feelings all the time, rather, they like to listen to others better. They should be respected and cherished, not misunderstood.

Discovering Yourself

"Discovering yourself" was a phrase that meant little to me. It usually brought to mind a deep philosophical reflection, and involved sessions of introspection and concentration. Not that I'm against any of that, but I didn't feel very equal to that task.

But then, I discovered that discovering myself involved a much simpler process. It means, seeing how you hold up and face life's challenges.
You discover your own strength, when you figure out how to move on from a failed exam, a bad betrayal, or even something as trivial as burnt cooking.
You discover true compassion, when you're able to put aside your own troubles, as heavy as they are, to be your friend's shoulder when they need you.
You discover patience, when after a hundred rejections from jobs, you apply for the hundred and first, with the same enthusiasm and sense of hope.
You discover independence, when you push yourself back from the brink of depression and hopelessness, and find yourself stronger than ever.
You discover a capacity for deep love, when your troubles seem unimportant when that one person really needs you

These may not be huge challenges, but I think that if you pass these tests, then you find that you have the strength and the character to fight the huger battles in life, and at least make it out of them alive.

You don't always need philosophy or deep reflection to "discover yourself". You just need to be aware, and be strong enough not to break under all the blows life deals you. Also try to get some hits back, if you can. These lines from the poem Invictus have always inspired me:
"I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul"

An Almost-Quarter-life crisis

Once, my best friend and I got talking about the fact that we were very nearly 25 years old, and what we had to show in life, what we'd really managed to achieve after twenty five years of existence. There were famous CEOs, startup founders, pop stars who had achieved so much before that age, like fame, money, and most importantly, a purpose and direction in life. We, on the other hand, are still trying to find our way in the world, still confused, and unsure about life's next step.

These people have managed to find their passion very early, and made it their life's work. They have a very real love for what they do, and they put their heart and soul into it. Money would be a consideration, but not a priority. That they make money, is secondary. I've always envied and admired artists, poets, writers and sports persons for that. They have the courage to step out of their family's and society's boundaries and make their own world, and own rules. They have the strength of conviction to believe in themselves, even if no one believed in them. Most of us go through life without that passion, that whole-hearted love for something, and we miss out on a great deal.

But then, I thought, that, while these people may be famous and rich, they also have the burden of too many expectations on their shoulders, at a very young age. They miss out on the small things of life, such as having family meals, hanging out with friends, and even a simple walk in the park, simply because they have no time, or they don't make the time. They are so busy working, that, many times (with exceptions), they forget to be simply happy. That is something I would not want to trade for all the achievements, fame and money in the world.

So, I think that, maybe I haven't achieved as much as I would have liked by the time I'm twenty five. But I have so many memories which would make me smile when I look back: Deep conversations with my best friend, sitting in the sunlight by the river, family time, or just reading a really good book. I think I like myself as a person, and I'm happy. I still have time for all my ambitions and dreams, but I don't want to miss out on the moment.

A Clean Slate

On the 31st of December, I was reflecting on 2015, and how many changes and transformations the year had brought to my life. At the beginning of the year, I had helped organize a major literary fest, and had learned, the hard way, about leadership, delegation, and keeping my cool during a crisis. It was something I'd never done before, and was an amazing learning experience.

I'd also applied to various universities for a chance at a Masters degree. I hadn't taken it completely seriously, as my focus was still on passing the Chartered Accountancy course, no matter how many attempts it took. But, I did end up getting selected in an excellent university, and suddenly my horizons changed, and I felt something which I hadn't in a really long time: hope. It had always been my dream to study in a university abroad, albeit after passing CA, but I guess life had different plans. The run-up to preparation and departure seems like a blur, but finally I was on my way out, and, for the first time, on my own.

I had imagined this moment several times in past years, but imagination did not even come close to the reality of finally being on my own. I have the freedom I've always craved, to do as I choose to do, without the worry of people judging me. It is now that I realize that I genuinely have a clean slate to start with, to write on as I choose. My life, my ways, are my responsibility. I can mold myself, change and finally discover who I really am, and what I want to do.

In 2016, I want to consciously get to know myself, what I'm capable of, without anyone looking over my shoulder. It is my one chance to do things I would have never done before, to come out of my comfort zone, while being the best person I can possibly be. I want to go off on a solo back-packing tour, I want to work in a different country doing a job that I'm passionate about, discover what it is exactly that I am passionate about, live alone, fall in love, write a book....

This year is so full of possibilities and potential. I want to taste every minute of life, whether it be bitter or sweet. By the end of 2016, I want to look back on a rich, full, complete year.