Independence- The thrills and the heartaches

When I found out that I was leaving for college, away from home, in a foreign country, my first thought was that, I was finally, finally gaining independence. Freedom from home, from the restrictions of family, the expectations and judgements of those around me.. I was finally free to be completely me, to change the image I normally have, without the worry of what people may think or feel about what I'm growing to be.

I came to university, full of hopes, dreams, resolutions to change and improve, to discover parts of me I didn't know I had.. To basically taste independence in every way. In the beginning, I felt the thrill of living alone, doing just as I wanted, going out whenever and wherever I wanted, without the bother of questions and admonitions to come home early, to eat on time, and basically everything parents seem to love saying. I made new friends, traveled to different places, had many new experiences like going to house-parties, ice-skating and walking around the city at night, midnight feasts with friends, to name a few, which I would never have done at home.

What I had failed to take into account before coming to university was that, now that I lived independently, I don't have my mother's shoulder to lean on after a hard day, her cooking my favorite meal just because I was sad, talks with my father, fights with my brother, and above all, the feeling that, whatever happens, they'll always be there, ready to help and support. At university, after a hard day, though you have friends to confide in, it just isn't the same. When you're independent, you have to learn to be your own support, your own strength. You have to learn to find your own happiness in little things- it could be in a walk in a park with music, a chat with old friends, a call to your parents, a good book, or an amazing dessert. You realise that you're the only one who can make you happy, and you're the only one who will be there for you the rest of your life. You have to learn to love yourself.

Independence may come with its own brand of excitement, but also with its own heartache. I think that, after coming to university, I've learned to enjoy the fun in independence, but also really appreciate what I had back home, the small joys, as well as the restrictions (well, those, not so much)

Something Worth Fighting For...

Within the span of 24 hours, about a hundred thousand people in various parts of the globe lost their lives, some due to natural causes, and others due to, well, some insane people's choices. This is not all. Everyday, we hear of horrific events.. Plane crashes, suicide bombings, school shoot-outs, plus smaller, but no less terrible happenings.. Rapes, domestic abuse, child abuse... It is not just about the people who have lost their lives, but the survivors as well. The people who have to live with what they have seen and experienced have it much worse.

It makes me wonder whether there still is hope left for the world, for humanity. What is equally as bad, is that, most people have started to take evil for granted, and seem to have developed indifference to it, rather than fighting back. Either that, or people start blaming innocent victims, hurling abuse indiscriminately, just because they belong to the same religion as the attackers. People have ceased to view others as human beings, having the same troubles, same fears, and the same flaws. They just need a scapegoat to take the blame, so that they can sit backward and fold their hands in pious resignation. Sometimes, it feels that, though the world has progressed in material achievements, it has only regressed in the more important qualities, such as common sense, love, and a basic sense of humanity.

Then again, just as we feel the darkness overwhelming us, we see some pin-pricks of light at the end of the tunnel, some silver lining to the clouds. We see the people of Paris welcoming the survivors into their homes and caring for them and countries rallying round to help the earthquake survivors. We see common people stepping forward to help, whether it is donating money, or giving time to physically aid the victims, regardless of race or religion. Though social media is quick to spread posts of grief, there is also a genuine feeling and willingness to help.

While this may not completely make up for the horror the world is going through, it does provide some hope that there still is something worth fighting for, something worth living for. We cannot let those who died for us down. The fight for good must go on.

The First Month- Part 1

Finally, finally, after so many years of dreaming, it was happening. There are so many ways I had imagined this moment, and now that it was finally here, it somehow seemed unreal.

The drive down to the airport with my parents itself was bittersweet, as I was drinking in the sight of the place that I would not see for a whole year, which would always be home. 

Even after we got on to the flight, it still seemed as though we were off to just another holiday, not the place where I would be spending at least a year of my life. 

When we arrived at Glasgow airport, we were too tired to really look around and appreciate a new place. All that changed when we got our first look at the city. After hot and dusty India, we saw a clean place, with lots of green around. The buildings and houses themselves seemed to have grown up with nature, with no shiny glass or concrete to jar the effect. It seemed to say, " Welcome! Make yourself comfortable."

The first two days were spent in exploring Glasgow, discovering places to shop, to eat, just walking around. The place more than lived up to its original promise. The roads were wide and dust free, with an abundance of trees and flowers. It was like all the colors had suddenly come into sharper focus, into higher definition, as it were. The people were delightful, easy-going and friendly. The best part about Glasgow was that, most people travel on foot, and because the air is pure, and the roads good, this was more a pleasure than anything else.

We also explored other places in Scotland; Edinburgh, with its old-world and historical charm, and Fort William, with its stark rugged mountains and wide lake. Each place had its own character, its own sort of enchantment. We had our first visit into a real Scottish Castle (one major item off my bucket list), had meals at roadside cafes and watched the world go by.

It was the sort of life I had always read about in books, but never really imagined I would experience. The delight of finding small, unexpected gardens of flowers, of walking in the woods.. It was like I was in my own version of an English novel, something I never wanted to get out of.

Then, came the all important week.. The week I finally started university life.

Ready, Set...

College has always, before this, seemed more of a fantasy than a possibility. I've seen friends go to university, talk about campus life, courses, classes, fun with friends, the whole package. Especially the independence and freedom.

Now, with one week to go, before I leave for university, its a barrage of emotions. On some level, I cannot believe that this is really happening, that I'm actually going! There is this sense of weird unreality, but underneath all that is this wild excitement and anticipation. Of course, there are the usual insecurities; whether I'll fit in properly, whether I'll succeed, whether I'll get everything that I can out of this whole experience....

One thing I am sure of is, that this is a turning point, a life changer. Whatever happens, I'll never be the same again, after this. And I think, that after all the stagnation, this is exactly what I need, that push out of the rut. I'll finally have the reins back in my hands, and it is now up to me which road I take.

 

Like Robert Frost said - " The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep."

The Beauty of Books

Great books help you understand, and they make you feel understood"

–John Green 

In these days of television, internet and social media, books have become a forgotten treasure. No one has time anymore to actually sit and lose themselves in a good story. Patience has deteriorated to such an extent that to read three paragraphs of a short article is considered an achievement. The habit of reading for pleasure seems to have become virtually extinct, sadly.

Reading is a habit I developed when I was a kid, and it has developed from a conscious habit to an absolute necessity. I cannot now go one day without reading, be it a serious book on philosophy, or something as much fun as P G Wodehouse. Books have become much more than just a source of knowledge; they've become my best friends, philosophers and guides.

Books have taught me compassion, to see other people's point of view, to be less judgmental, because everyone and everything has a story behind it. Books have taught me to dream, to hope, and best of all, to imagine. To imagine, is to see possibilities in the smallest of things, and to see the best side of whatever may happen. Books have also been the best source of comfort I have; nothing seems quite as bad after you read a good book.

The beauty of books is such that just being around them, whether in a library or bookstore, calms you down and lifts your mood. Reality outside ceases to exist, and so many worlds open up in which we can happily lose ourselves. It is best described by William Styron,

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading"

Reflections on the last chapter

The last chapter of my life started with CA, some six years back. I remember how I was then : An introverted, shy, quiet seventeen year old, immature, naive, who didn't have any idea about what the next five years would bring. To her, CA just seemed like any other series of exams to be taken and passed, and in the end, at the most, a good job or a corporate position.

Little did I know how very wrong I was, and how much the next few years would change me, my life incontrovertibly.

The first change happened, when I joined my first work place, which was a small firm where I planned to intern and gain some experience before the IPCC results. It was the first time I dealt with seniors, bosses and clients, and it gave me the shake up I needed badly. While I did gain experience with audit, tax, and other matters, what I really learned was how to manage people, whether they be difficult clients or irate superiors.

The next was when I joined a major firm, where I would be working for the next two years. I truly believe that these two years have shaped me, changed me, and most importantly, forced me to grow up. Learning to deal with corporate politics, back stabbing colleagues, clients who just did not give information, and all while completing work on time did have its challenges, but as a result, that naive, innocent person was replaced by a somewhat smarter (I hope) , more assertive, open and independent individual. This was when I learnt that CA wasn't just about passing exams, but it was about growing professionally and personally. It was about experiencing life and work first hand, becoming tougher and street smart.

Passing CA Final was no joke, but I did not expect it to be this hard either. Failure in exams was something I had never contemplated, so even though I had not written my exams spectacularly, the thought was not passing was completely alien. Therefore, when I got the results the first time, it was an enormous shock, particularly when most of my peers had passed. It took a while to recover, but I somehow managed to rally and move on. It was less of one, but still a shock when I did not pass the second time around either.

This was when I realized, that the most vital lesson CA teaches the students is one of perseverance. Only a CA student would really understand the value of hope, the will not to despair at failure, but to keep trying till the luck turns. This is what sustains students through years and years of attempts.

An equally important lesson is to know when to cut your losses, and bow out before it is too late. After the next two attempts did not work out, I decided to follow another dream I'd always had, that of going to university. Maybe, just maybe, CA wasn't meant to be for me.

So, here I am, two months before university starts. For the first time ever, I'm going to study away from home, in a foreign land. I'm scared, nervous, and excited in equal measures. A new page, a life altering new chapter opens. But after reflecting on the old one, I see how much CA has taught me, how it has irreversibly altered my life, my perspectives, and those are qualities I'll always carry, whether or not I eventually become a Chartered Accountant.

Fifty Years- Part 2

Michael held on, without saying a word, until she calmed down. Susan found, to her surprise, that Michael, rather than being arrogant and overbearing as she had first thought, was understanding, and well, there was no other word for it... sweet. She found herself telling him all about her mother.

Susan had lost her father at war in her infancy. Her mother then had to suddenly bear the responsibility of rearing a baby girl all alone. As she had not had the advantages of college education in her youth, she was determined to give her daughter the best education and opportunities possible.

She started a housekeeping service, against all ridicule from society and family, and to their amazement, built it up to a thriving business, with twenty employees, and about sixty weekly clients. She still found the time to be with her daughter, teach her and read to her. Susan, largely due to her mother's careful upbringing and love, grew up to be a bright, diligent student, winning scholarships all through school, and finally to college. Her bond with her mother grew ever stronger though time. But, there was one secret her mother kept from her ; that she had third stage breast cancer, which was virtually incurable. Her last words were " My daughter is a woman of destiny. My only wishes are, that she fulfills it to the best of her ability. Tell her, that I'll always be watching, and I'm sure she'll sweep the world off its feet someday."

Michael said " Well, of course you're going to make her proud, when you win the scholarship." Susan smiled at his obvious attempt to cheer her up, but felt that, even if she did win, her victory would not be complete without her mother's hug.

Michael went with Susan to her mother's funeral, and she stood bravely by his side, while the coffin was lowered. Many well meaning friends and members of the family came forward to offer their condolences, but nothing seemed to comfort her so much as Michael's quiet, steadfast, strong presence.

For the next few days, Susan and Michael found themselves spending more and more time together, much to the astonishment of their peers. Some people even ventured to suggest that, Michael, having lost a wager to a friend, was forced to do this penance.

Susan began to recover slowly, and even resumed some of her sharp repartee of insults with Michael. Her competitive spirit came back, but somehow, the bitterness had gone out of it. She no longer wished to win merely to beat Michael, but rather for the satisfaction of winning against a worthy opponent.

The night before the scholarship results were to be announced, as they were walking through the grounds together, Michael suddenly stopped, and took Susan's hand. He got down on one knee. Susan stared at him in some alarm, " Michael, are you quite well?" Michael replied " You silly woman, what does it look like? I'm proposing to you."
Susan said " Well, its a proposal I'm happy to decline, Michael. Why, if I were to marry you, I should have to keep you, considering you couldn't even beat me in the college exams."
Michael said " I love you. Would you consider marrying me if I won the scholarship?" Susan said " That's a challenge I'm quite willing to accept, Michael, as there is little to no chance of your winning, while I'm in the running."

Michael walked her back to the dorms, and left. If he had realized how much Susan wanted him to win, he might have slept that night.

The next day, there was a crowd of students pacing feverishly near the notice board. Susan and Michael simply stood a little apart, with carefully controlled tension on their faces. After all, their lives were going to irrevocably change in a few minutes.

At ten precisely, the professor put up the results on the notice board. Immediately, the crowd rushed to it, The two of them could not bring themselves to go, rather, they waited for someone to announce their fate. A friend came up to Susan, and said " Congratulations, Su! You've won." Michael immediately said " Congratulations. You so obviously deserved the prize.Your mother would be really proud." At that moment, another friend came up to Michael and said " Congratulations, Michael." Confused, both rushed to the notice board. They studied it for some time. Written was " No consensus could be formed on the best essay. The examiners, after careful consideration, have come to a rare decision. Two scholarships are announced, and are to be given to...."

Susan gave a wry smile, and said " Well, you have obviously won our bet. I am prepared to honour my undertaking. I'll marry you."

To the delight of their peers, they were married in a few days. When you think about it, who else could they really have ended up with?

P.S: I should really give credit here to Jeffrey Archer, who has inspired me so much.

Fifty Years-Part 1

Two honeymooners were sitting on the deck of a cruise ship, talking. The woman said " You know, I've been observing that lovely old couple for a while now. Every day, the husband makes it a point to get his wife up to the deck, and they sit at that table, gazing into each others eyes. It gives me hope that simple, old fashioned romance is not lost in the world."
The man said" I completely agree. Let's just hope that our marriage lasts as long and is as blissful as theirs is." The lady said " The man takes such tender care of his wife, its wonderful to see. Though, I sometimes think I see this indescribably sad look in his eyes. Let us go talk to them".

So, they both went over to the old couple, and sat next to them. They introduced themselves, and the couple responded in a friendly and charming way. Their names were Susan and Michael Kane. The lady said " Forgive me, but we have been watching the two of you every day, and we can't help but notice the obvious love and devotion that you share. I think it is absolutely beautiful." The old man said "You see, we have been married fifty years now, and it feels like just yesterday that we met." He smiled, as though at a secret joke. The lady asked " Was it love at first sight?" Michael laughed, and said " Quite the contrary, actually. We were fierce rivals, and hated each other for a long time". The lady stared disbelievingly. Michael laughed heartily, and said " Perhaps, when I tell you the whole story, you may believe it."

Susan and Michael were, quite simply, two of the brightest scholars their university had ever seen.

They were both students of English literature and classics, both came with full scholarships, and both reliably assured by their professors that they would be the top students of their year.

They quite simply, could not stand the sight of each other.

Within a year of their joining, they both were far ahead of their peers, while remaining neck and neck with each other. Surprisingly, instead of bringing them closer, this pushed them further apart, to such an extent that, by the end of the first year, they could not bear the sight of each other. In their tutor's presence, they would debate heatedly for hours, on more and more obscure points on literature. They would debate on the relative significance of Renaissance poets, the presence of satire in Shakespeare's works, never satisfied until they stripped the entire topic bare. Their tutor, in the end, would simply assume the role of referee. As he said " These two manage to teach each other most of the time, anyway."

Even though Susan and Michael were in separate colleges, their rivalry was ever present. Each would try the utmost to best the other. One time, Susan would come out better, with six Alphas to William's five, and another time William would do better, with eight Alphas to Susan's six. Their peers stopped trying to even come close, let alone compete with the two. It seemed to both of them that no student existed in the University but the two of them.

In their final year, there was a last project to be submitted. The winner would get a scholarship for a doctorate position. This was open to all post graduate students of English Literature throughout the university. The subject was "Post-1945 Modern Drama". The project duration was two months.
Both Susan and William realized that this would be the only time that they would be tested against each other in closed competition.

Vacations came and went, and were unheeded by both. They began their research, and worked hours that bordered on the vulgar. They stripped apart absurdist French theatre, welfare theatre in Britain, and method theatre from America. They hardly ever slept, each imagining the other was beavering away still. For these two months, the outside world simply did not exist; all that mattered was the prize essay.

They handed in their ten thousand word essay together, exchanging nothing more than a contemptuous look. 

A day or two later, Michael was taking a run in the park, when he saw his rival, sitting on a bench, reading. He paused, considering whether to ignore her and walk by, or stop for yet another exchange of insults. His face reddened at the anticipation of her cutting reaction at seeing him.

However, on closer inspection, he saw that she wasn't reading at all, but crying quietly. He went up to her, and asked her what the matter was. She replied briefly " My mother died this morning."

Michael didn't know what to say. So, very wisely, he didn't say a word. Instead, he just put an arm around her, and held on. This gesture helped her more than any meaningless words could. They both, at that moment realised that they didn't hate each other any longer. An undeniable bond, which most would call friendship had been formed.

What does " Empowerment" really mean?

In these days of heightened awareness about gender equality and women's rights, the effort is on to define " women empowerment". To some, that may mean more jobs for women, less repression and restriction, a movement to educate women, ensuring their safety, etc. While this may help women to an extent, it still would not really empower women, as the reins of control still end up being with men.

To some, that may also mean giving women power over men, giving them an unfair and undeserved preference, and acts which basically end up oppressing men instead. This is the other extreme, and just as counter productive as patriarchy. The idea here is not to put one over the other, but to create an equal footing, in every sense of the word.

Empowerment, at least, according to me, is about giving women that free choice to do whatever they want, without being judged for it, just because she is a woman. She should not be looked down upon if she wants to be a home-maker, or should not be repressed or judged, if she chooses a career. She should not be judged if she wants to walk anywhere alone, even late at night, and especially, should not be looked upon as easy prey. Most importantly, she should have a choice in what she wants to do with her life, and her decisions respected.

Most people have this misconception that feminism is about putting women one up over men. In reality, it is about erasing those differences and inequalities that have originated and persisted over time immemorial. The film that Vogue India made ( if you ignore the fact that, Vogue has a history of promoting "perfect", size zero women, and has been the cause of a huge number of insecurities among women) had the right idea, in a sense. It speaks about having a choice, and not being judged for it. They may have used many wrong examples to illustrate it, but the idea of it was there.

My virtues may be your sins, but that does not give you any right to damn me or put me down for it. No one can force me to do anything against my wish, my choice.

India's "Daughter"

Many people have probably already written about this, and probably better than I will. But this is one aspect which really disgusts me. In India, everyone thinks of girls as "daughters", someone who needs to be protected, sheltered, and who, for her own "safety", be restricted at every turn of life.

Whether it's studies, or simple fun, there are always certain "rules" which girls need to follow, if they want to conform. Most girls are simply not allowed to study after a certain age- how will you "get a boy" if you study so much-, not allowed to go out after a certain time, have carefully censored friends, and definitely not move around with anyone "unsuitable". Any thoughts against these are taken to be plain rebellious, and too much in accordance with "western" culture.

Independence is not an option. For your own "safety".

Everyone treated the rape as a shocking event, organized protests, demanded the death penalty for the rapists. But still, rapes and other crimes against women, only increased in number, and in intensity. Why?

Many Indian men have a funny mentality. Either they look at girls as fragile pieces of china, to be kept safe on a mantel, or as mere playthings, to do as they please with. The climax is when they actually adopt a "holier-than-thou" attitude in the end, claiming that they couldn't help themselves. They simply cannot bring themselves to look at girls/women as fellow human beings, to be accorded equal respect and space. This includes the "educated" class of society as well.

You would never see a man being similarly objectified.

India has developed in many ways, but it will not be able to grow unless the country changes its basic mindset. Women are the backbone of any society, and unless they are given truly equal rights, and most importantly, respect, then, instead of moving forward, we will start moving backward.

Girls are not "daughters" to be protected, but are simply human beings, to be treated equally, and to be given equal respect.

Doubt

She sat by a window, just thinking. She'd always been a secure person emotionally, never wondering or caring about what people thought of her, because it never mattered. She'd loved being alone, just going off on flights of imagination into own personal world.

Until he came into her life, and everything changed forever.

Now, she dreaded being alone, because silence brought unwelcome thoughts, haunting memories, and oceans of self doubt. She desperately wanted to be perfect in every possible way, in his eyes. Because, he was the only one who mattered. Why, oh why, should he matter?

Was this love, after all? This complete change in one's life, the desire to be enough, in every way, for him. The constant self doubt, the dread and hope at the same time.

She had always heard, that love was supposed to be delightful, happy and glowing. The stories had never mentioned the agonies of the emotion, the pain, fears and doubts. Was it really worth the sacrifice of inner peace?

The silence, the endless nights had become too loud for her to bear.

She prayed for an end, but, sadly, no one heeded it.