Outlet

Sometimes, I wish there was someone I could really talk to... Someone I could trust completely. So far, I've never let any one inside.. I always have feared betrayal, or worse, mockery. The weird part is, I've come close, several times, with a few people, but have always drawn back at the last moment, because I somehow felt they wouldn't be able to empathize.

I usually enjoy keeping my thoughts, wishes and feelings to myself.. But right now, I feel I'm about to burst any moment, with all the hate, jealousies, spite and resentment bottled up so tight. I have to work hard to maintain a pleasant facade, but I fear that cracks have begun to appear. The negativity is bursting at the seams and some of it is spilling out. I used to have a reputation for endless patience, but that same patience is fading, and fast. These days, I snap at each and every person for the smallest things, and think uncharacteristically poisonous things!! I see my friends looking at me strangely....

I desperately wish I could live alone!! I don't really want to answer to anyone, or account for every second of my time. I don't want to have to justify my friends or my feelings. I want to make mistakes, stumble, and get back up, without having to depend on anyone. Till now, I've always been dependent on my parents, and I'm genuinely grateful to them, but I want to start my life, on my terms!! I will answer to no one!!!

I'm sure I sound ungrateful and spiteful, but thats how it is! Right now, I feel useless and stupid, and perhaps thats my fault. But I have this constant feeling that people are looking over my shoulder, and I hate it!!